BRAINDROPPINGS

By George Carlin
 

Once again Carlin hits america in the face with his book BrainDroppings, a humorous, though insightful look at American culture, through the eyes of a gruff New Yorker. Through questions, monologs, lists, assumptions, musings and the occasional rambling, Carlin uses his words as weapons, to strike at the heart of our world, and in the process makes us laugh at ourselves. The only way for you to truely see the genious of Carlin at work is through th following exerpts from BrainDroppings


WARNING: Brain Droppings is not for Prudes or the faint of heart. So open to any page, take a deep breath, and be ready to laugh

People Who Should Be Phased Out

1.Men who propose marriage on the Giant TV screen at a sports stadium.

2. Guys with creases in their Jeans

3. Men who have one long, uninterupted eyebrow.

4. Fat guys who laugh at everything.

5.People who give their genitals a name

6. Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists

.7. People who say, " Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path

No one ever wrote this sentence before.

On the Feast of St. Stephen, I was driving my hearse to the wholesale liverwurst outlet when suddenly a hermaphrodite in a piano truck backed out of a crackhouse driveway, and, as my shoes caught fire, I pirouetted across Boris Karloff Boulevard, slapping the truckdriver six times in the loins with a Chattanooga road map, even though he was humming " The Pussycat Song."

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form ?

Fearless Fashion

If you guys wanna get a MOM tatoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tatooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown...if your having sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up, you can just lie on your back, draw you're legs up to your chest and silently say, " Wow! "
 

A Deaf Mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speachless
 

Everything is still the same. It's just a little different now.

When Blowing out birthday candles, suppose you wish for one candle to stay lit? Is it possible for your wish to come true ?

Unnecessary Words
The following phrases all contain at least one word too many

Emergency Situation   Risk Factor
  Surgical Procedure  
Shower Activity   Leadership Role
  Intensity Level  
Fear factor   Prision Setting
  Daily Basis  
Facial Area   Sting Operation
  Shooting Incident  
Rain Event   Crisis Situation
  Stand Off Situation  
Blue In Color   Healing Proecss

Definitions

Anticlimax: What my uncle was good at

Outspoken: When you lose a debate

Hormone: The Sound a prostitute makes so you think you're a real good fuck

Drug Traffic: Driving to you're connection's house.

Now the brainless New Age spiritual Zombies are using bulldozers to vandalize the Ouachita National Forest in Arkansas in search of crystals. Nothing like that being-in-harmony-with -nature shit

Favorite Oxymorons

New Tradition

Univited Guest

Live Recording

Holy War

Resident Alien
 

Favorite Euphemisms

Blow Job = holistic massage therapy

Truck Stop = travel plaza

Theater = Performing arts center

Nude Beach = Clothing Optional beach

Kidnapping = custodial interference
 

Favorite Redundancies

Total Abstience
 
Join Together
 
Audible Gasp
 
Advancd Warning

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work

If you Love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

 

I'm sorry to say, that's all the brain droppings I can spare. If you enjoyed these tidbits you'll love Brain Droppings by George Carlin. And Carlin, if you happen to be reading this, and don't like having all this on the web, Fuck You !